


Withdrawal Symptoms

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Reincarnation, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:37:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is trying to get away from the gang.  Eren rescues him from a tight situation and brings him to the hospital.  What will ensue?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I was walking down the street.  A warm breeze was ruffling my hair, and the street was badly illuminated by lights spaced too far apart.  It was August, and school would be resuming soon, but for now, I was free.  Mikasa was spending the summer with some friends that I didn’t really know, so I had nothing to do.  It felt awesome.  Three blocks away from my house, I saw him.  There were two men with guns pointed at one guy who looked quite roughed up already.  In my usual way, I acted without thinking.

 

“Oy, you!”

 

The two men with guns looked up.  For a moment I thought that they were going to shoot me.  Instead, they lowered their guns and ran for it.  I guess they didn’t want me to call the police.  I hesitated for a millisecond before running across the street to the victim’s side.  His grey eyes were staring at me in an almost accusatory way, but he didn’t say anything as I called an ambulance.

 

I rode with him to the hospital.  I stayed for hours, both because I had nothing else to do and because I wanted to make sure he was okay.  No one was waiting for me at my house, so no one would care if I came home late.  He was in surgery now.  Apparently, he was pretty high on a combination of different drugs, and also physically injured by his attackers.  I was amazed he could even stay conscious of the world around him, nevermind fend off two other men.  

 

The hours ticked on.  Was he alive?  I really hoped he was alive.  He may think of himself  as broken or worthless, but I saw something in those grey eyes of his.  Did he hate me for saving him?  Well, that was his problem, not mine.  Anyways, what  _had_  I gotten myself into?  The men beating him up knew my face.  They might try to pursue me now, because I had saved one of their potential victims.  

 

Fluorescent lights are harsh especially after sitting under them for ten hours in a cold hospital waiting room.  A nurse came out smiling.   _Thank god_. I breathed.  I was beginning to think the worst, but the nurse looked happy.  Tired, definitely, but she looked happy.  

 

“Hello, my name is Petra.  I’m attending to Levi’s room for now, and I just wanted to let you know that he’s out of surgery.  We’re still monitoring his condition closely, but he’s headed the right way.”

 

“Levi?”  I interrupted without thinking.  He hadn’t told me his name.  He hadn’t said a word.  But how did this nurse know?  Was he conscious?

 

“Oh, you didn’t know his name?”  I shook my head.

 

“Then how…?”

 

“I was walking by.  I couldn’t just leave him there.”  I felt it wise to leave out the fact that he was being attacked, and I had nearly gotten shot while trying to save this Levi person.

 

“Come with me.  Mr. um- what’s your name?”

 

“Eren.  Eren Jaeger.”

 

“Right, then.  Come this way, Mr. Jaeger.”  

 

It was odd being addressed as “Mr. Jaeger.” I was only twenty, after all.  I followed the nurse named Petra down a labyrinth of white shiny corridors until we finally came to a stop.  Petra delicately knocked on the door before opening it.

 

“What the fuck?  I just woke up.  Do I even get any time to rest?  Oh.”  Levi let out a breath when I walked in.

 

“Hi.”  I said.  I wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“All you say is ‘hi.’  Well, thanks, I guess, for saving my shitty existence from two dumbass hooligans who were too cowardly to try to fight me when I wasn’t sky high on whatever I could get my hands on.”

 

“Um, you’re welcome?”  I didn’t mean it to be a question, but Levi was a bit different than I had been expecting.

 

“Okay, shitty brat, you can get your ass out of here, because I want some sleep.”

 

I didn’t move a muscle.

 

“Fine then.  Sit down somewhere, but don’t expect me to talk to you.  Goodnight, brat.”

 

He closed his eyes.  And was ‘asleep’ within seconds.  I looked up at Petra.  If she knew him, maybe I could get a few questions answered.

 

“Is he usually like this?” I started.

 

“Well, it’s a little worse than usually.  That’s probably because he’s experiencing some withdrawal symptoms and is in quite a bit of pain from the injuries he sustained,” said Petra.  I nodded, it made sense.  However, he was quite a character.  

 

“Do you know if anyone is, um, out to get him?”

 

Petra hesitated. It was a really direct question.  Levi opened one eye.  I cursed my own stupidity.  Why did I let whatever random crap I thought of come out of my mouth?

 

“Not that I know of.”

 

Levi closed his eyes again.  Petra’s answer didn’t seem truthful, but I didn’t want to push it.  Now knowing that Levi was alive and on his way to recovering, my brain allowed me to acknowledge my pressing exhaustion.  Glancing at my phone, I noticed that it was about twelve noon the day after I had found Levi.  That meant I hadn’t slept in about 37 hours.  I sighed.

 

“I’ll be going then.  Maybe I’ll check back after I get some rest.  Thank you.” I nodded at Petra and walked out.

 

It was a fifteen minute taxi ride to get home.  The minute I was in the front door, I collapsed on the couch.  The cumulative effect of an adrenaline rush, emotional stress, and plain old exhaustion had me out cold for ten hours.  I groaned when I woke up.  My sleeping schedule was completely screwed, and I had to be on a semi-normal schedule by the time school started in a few weeks.

 

I tried to go to sleep again hoping to wake up sometime in the morning.  But it didn’t work.  I woke up at one, two, three, and when I woke at four, I decided it wasn’t worth trying to sleep again.  For lack of anything better to do, I took a long shower.  The warm water calmed me, and washed away a bit of dirt and blood that I didn’t know had been on me.  I walked out of the shower.   _Five hours before I can visit Levi_ , I thought.  

 

And then two seconds later,  _Why do I want to visit Levi?  He’ll just be an asshole again.  I didn’t even know him until I picked him up half dead._  Sighing, I decided to take a walk around the streets to calm my nerves.  I walked aimlessly for about an hour and a half glancing at the time every few minutes to see when I could head to the hospital.  A cool mist covered the streets, and it was chilly for August.  

 

Then I heard footsteps behind me.  I whirled around.  One of the guys that had been attacking Levi was there.  I had very little training in combat.  The only little bit I knew was actually from Mikasa who insisted I know some self-defense.  I saw the second of the two men appear a little in front of me.  I couldn’t fight them.  I couldn’t outrun them.  But maybe, I could outsmart them.  Or not.  I reached to my pocket for my phone.  I made the movement slowly so as not to draw too much attention to what I was doing.

 

My fingers closed around the hard plastic of my phone.  I tried to dial 911 as I slowly backed up to the wall.  Even if I didn’t say something, I could scream and the person on the other end of the phone would hear that.  My phone could also be tracked, so if someone got here quickly enough, there was a chance I wouldn’t be dead.  I dropped my phone on the ground.  If it was on my person, it was more likely to be found.

 

The first man attacked.  I dodged him just in time.  Maybe I could run.  The two guys didn’t seem too bright.  But then I got hit in the back of the head.  My vision went blurry as I sunk to my knees.  I wasn’t a fighter trained in street combat like these two; I knew that.  But I couldn’t just give up so easily.  I pushed myself back onto my feet, my head spinning.  I was hit once, twice, three times.  I could hear someone screaming, someone yelling “stop!” but I couldn’t tell who.

 

I should help them, right?  But my own body felt so heavy, so worn out.  Where was I?  And what was that screaming?  And then I realized it was me.  I was lying facedown on the sidewalk.  I felt warm liquid around me.  What was it?  Oh, it was blood.  There were voices around me, and a lot of people.  Through my closed eyelids, I saw flashing lights.  The police were here.  And then I passed out again.

 

Darkness enveloped me.  It was neither pleasant nor unpleasant, and I was simply existing.  The pain receded, and for that I was grateful.  What did I remember?   _Blood_.  That’s right, I had been attacked.  My face had been remembered.  Those guys had to have been after Levi.   _Levi_.  And his name echoed through my consciousness.

 

Levi.

  
 _Corporal_  Levi.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up in the hospital.  Even a simple act like breathing was painful, but I was unmistakably, undeniably alive.  I hated it.  There was a reason I was pumping drugs into myself until I collapsed.  I didn’t want to be alive.  My breaths came rattling in, each inhale and exhale harsh on my throat.  I swallowed uncomfortably, wishing I hadn’t been found.

 

The hospital was clean.  And that was the one good thing about it.  Other than that, the nurses were annoying and the doctors were worse.  They always hedged things and tried to make me calm down like I was some psycho.  I guess I looked like one to them.  And of all the hospitals to be taken to, I was at this one.  I had been brought in here once before, and in a state of near utter collapse had confided in two of my nurses.

 

That was one of the worst mistakes of my life.  They knew, but all I got from them was sympathetic looks and “I’m sorrys.”  What they gave me wasn’t worth a damn, but I had opened myself up in a way I never would normally.  Growing up on the “wrong side of town” had taught me to control myself almost completely.  I was used to controlling the world around me, used to manipulating people to get my way, used to not trusting anyone other than myself.

 

My world was definitely shaken, and I didn’t appreciate.  Who did that shitty brat think he was, anyway?  I was only half conscious when he rescued me, but was he an idiot?  Did he have any idea what he was getting himself into?  I realized that he probably didn’t.  But he possessed a level of stupid I wouldn’t have previously thought possible.  He rushed in to an ridiculously dangerous situation without a second thought.  I hated him for it.  I hated the way he just picked me up and carried me off.  I hated that I had completely lost control.

 

The door opened and my eyes flicked towards it.  It was Petra.   _Dammit_.  I swore.  I knew it would happen this way, knew it would be one of the nurses who knew my story.  I glared at her, but she only smiled back.  I hated her for smiling.  I hated everything in general at the moment, actually.

 

“Hello, Levi!”  She said brightly.  “It’s good to see you’re awake.”

 

I didn’t return her smile, but she looked unphased.  Petra continued talking.  Perhaps she thought I wanted company.  Wrong, I wanted to be alone.  I told her to get out.  Once, twice, three times.  And then she left.  I couldn’t stand being around someone so happy at the moment.  The stark contrast to my own emotions was too much to handle.

 

The walls of the hospital were white.  They were spotlessly clean, which was nice to see.  Recently, I had grown to be accustomed to disgustingly filthy rooms and streets.  I stared blankly at the wall directly opposite me.  No one would come visit me.  No one would care to see if I was alive.  I sighed.  I was used to being lonely.  The closest people to me had all been killed because of me, so I isolated myself.

 

My parents were murdered when I was seven years old.  I came home after school one day.  The front door was unlocked, which was the first sign something was wrong.  I crossed the threshold slowly, warily.  Even at the age of seven, I was used to danger in every corner.  But I was used to facing danger with my family around me.  The house was eerily quiet.  The slight creaking of the stairs as I went to the second floor was so loud.  I turned the corner into the hallway, and there was blood, so much blood it looked like it would never be clean again.

 

I felt a pain in my hands.  My fingers were clenched into fists, nails digging into my palms.  I cursed myself for letting my mind wander.  I had sworn to put those memories behind me.  What’s past is past.  

 

_There were so many titans.  They towered above us, and the number of deviants was astonishing.  This was not an army, but a horde of monsters.  Was there hope for humanity after all?  I clenched my teeth and resisted the urge to check on my squad behind me.  I would ride forward no matter who fell behind me.  I had to ride  forward, because everyone else was behind me, and if I stopped, everyone else would be lost forever._

 

_My jaw was beginning to hurt from the pressure I was putting on it, but I paid it no heed.  The horde of titans was coming closer.  In my many years of fighting them, there had never been this many.  They stood at ten, fifteen, twenty meters tall.  The sounds reverberating from their ranks were bound to make my eardrums explode, but I had to ride forward.  I had one goal.  I had to ride forward._

 

I was being shaken.  My eyes opened slowly, remembering where I was.  The lights of the hospital came to me as a shock at first.  They were harsh and blindingly white in contrast to the shining autumn sun in my dream.  Or was it a vision?  Or a memory?  I realized my jaw felt sore, like I had been unconsciously tensing my jaw.

 

It took me a few more seconds to notice the people around me.  Petra was standing over me looking concerned and Erwin was standing in the corner of the room.  Damn the both of them.  I cursed.  Their presence only made my situation more difficult.  Why did they have to be here?  What if they told someone about me?  No, that was ridiculous.  They may know, but they weren’t stupid.

 

“Are you okay?”  Petra was looking at me intently.

 

“I suppose so.”  I muttered.

 

Petra’s mouth fell into a frown.

 

“You were screaming your head off, so we rushed in to see what was going on.”

 

 _I was what?_  I didn’t like doing things I wasn’t conscious of, like talking or screaming in my sleep.

 

“Oh.”  That was all I had to say.

 

“So, are you feeling alright?”

 

“Yes.  Just a nightmare.”  I replied shortly.

 

I really didn’t want to talk about my dreams.  Petra and Erwin left after that.  They didn’t question further, but they clearly didn’t buy my “just a nightmare” thing.  I sat in bed trying to breathe properly and trying to get back to sleep, but the pain everywhere was preventing me slipping off to dreams.  I checked the clock.  It was three in the afternoon.  I frowned.  When had I woken up?

 

I seemed to recall that it was nighttime when I was attacked, but could remember nothing beyond that.  As much as I hated the prospect, I would have to ask Petra what had occurred.  I sighed.  Petra would come in eventually, and then I would have the chance to question her.  She would be thrilled that I was actually talking.  I flinched at the thought.  And as if reading my thoughts, the door opened and Petra walked in.

 

“Hello again Levi!”  She said in her bright and chipper way.

 

“What happened to me?”

 

She looked taken aback for a second at my sudden question.

 

“Well, you were attacked late last night, at about eleven pm.  Mr. Jaeger brought you here and stayed until you were out of surgery.  You talked with him briefly, remember?”

 

She paused.  I thought back.  Now that she mentioned it, I vaguely recalled being conscious at some previous point in the hospital.  I nodded slightly.

 

“He went home after that, about six hours ago.”

 

I inclined my head again.  But thinking over what Petra had said, the name _Jaeger_ stood out to me.  

 

_My resolve not to look back and make sure at least he was alive cracked.  I turned my head slightly to the left.  His green eyes were searching the area, observing.  He had come so far since we picked him up as an impulsive teenager, not that he wasn’t still impulsive.  I faced front again hoping he hadn’t noticed I had checked.  Despite the desperation of the situation, my mouth curved into a smile.  I was fighting with Jaeger at my side.  Humanity had hope after all._

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Levi?”

 

I looked up.  I was disoriented from my brief flash of memories.  They had to be memories.  Petra was talking to me, but I didn’t tune in.  I had known a Jaeger.  But what were those memories from?  They seemed most akin to a horror movie, but  I was sure I hadn’t lived in a movie.  Those giants had been real.

 

My spine tingled with something like fear as I thought about those giants and their shear size and numbers.  I couldn’t recall the exact circumstances, and it was bothering me.  All I knew is that I was in a unit with Jaeger, riding in front of him, so presumably a superior.   _Damn_.  That’s where my memories stopped.  What the hell was going on?

 

“Levi?”  Petra repeated.

 

“What?”  I asked a bit more coldly than I had actually intended.

 

“You were spacing out.  I was just saying that you’ll have to stay in the hospital for a while, and then you’ll be going to physical therapy, and probably rehab after that.”

 

I nodded again.  I had gotten what I needed from her, so now I wanted her to leave.  Not wanting to be too terribly rude, I told her I was tired.  Petra obliged and walked out of the room, telling me she’d check on me later.  

 

Time passed slowly as I had nothing to do.  At one point, Erwin brought me a book.  Something labelled “Jane Eyre” that I had no particular interest in.  But with nothing else to do, I resigned myself to actually reading it.  The time passed more quickly when I was reading, and looked up later to find that the time was ten at night.  I closed the book, amazed at how far I had gotten through it.

 

The book was casually dropped on a stand next to the bed.  I lay down and tried to get more comfortable.  I flicked off the light with a push of a button.  The dark was incomplete.  Lights from the hallway easily came in through the crack under the doorway.  I stared up at the ceiling.  My  thoughts turned to my savior.  His name was Jaeger.  Could it be the same one I had dreamt of?

 

_There were people riding ahead of us.  It seemed like we were bringing up the rear of the formation.  The people ahead of us were taking the brunt of the titans’ attacks, leaving us to ride through towards the middle of the horde.  This felt like suicide, and maybe it was.  But the most important thing was to accomplish our goal._

 

_A soldier to the right was bitten in half, and blood splattered down on us.  I distastefully brought a hand to my cheek where the blood had hit.  It was disgusting, really.  The screams of humans and giants mingled into one horrendous sound.  It was the sound of a battle to the death between humans and titans.  This is the last stand for both sides._

 

_Titans ran at us from every direction.  Soldiers intervened so we could ride forward.  Blood fell from above.  We were riding in a storm of red rain.  It was no use trying to wipe the blood away.  It seemed like we would never be free of it.  The ground was starting to seem muddy, but it was not water that softened the dirt, but a deep crimson liquid._

 

_I turned my head slightly to the left.  Jaeger was staring forward now.  The determined fire in his eyes was there, same as ever.  I comforted myself with that, and turned forward once more.  We had to keep riding.  The landscape was becoming a bloody mess.  Bodies of humans and titans littered the ground.  Many fewer humans than titans lay deformed in the blood red mud.  How much more of this gory mess would we ride through?  How many peoples’ blood was mixed together?  How many would never return to their families?_

 

My vision became increasingly filled with red.  My mind was blurring the images and sounds.  The view was soon incoherent, and it felt like someone was turning the volume down on the dream.  Darkness crept over me, and I was seeping into unconsciousness.  Various names and memories flitted through the darkness, but all else was restful.  Eren.  Blood.  Titans.  Eren.  And the cycle went on.

 

The name, Eren, was echoing through my brain even as I awoke but faded as I regained consciousness.  I slowly registered that there was a bit of light leaking through the window behind my bed.  It had to be morning.  I breathed in a deep sigh, stopping in the middle.  My throat still felt painful.  I looked up at the clock and was registering the time, when I felt the tremors set in.   _No_. I thought.   _No.  Goddammit.  How long has it been?_

 

That’s right, it had been a day and half since my last dose.  Withdrawal would not be pretty; I knew that much.  There had been a few points when I had tried to quit, but it was always too terrible to deal with.  The first time was the last time I had been in the hospital.  The horrors of the nightmares and the loss of control of my emotions and desires were terrifying.  I would have to endure that until I got out of the hospital, and who knows how long that would be?

 

I was shaking despite my efforts to stop it.  Cold chills were running down my spine, and every tremor was sending waves of pain through me.   _God fucking dammit.  I can’t stand it._  My fists clenched and unclenched.   _Shit, shit, shit._ The shaking wouldn’t stop.  The burning desire wouldn’t stop.   _Oh, won’t this end?_

 

I was wallowing in self-pity when the door opened.  Petra came in, the usual smile gone from her face.  Her expression was hard to read.  She was worried, maybe even frighted.  This abnormal turn of events distracted me from the shivers, but only slightly.  I stared at Petra, waiting for her to speak.

 

“Eren just arrived.”

 

My eyes opened wide.  No.  No, he can’t be involved.  My thoughts ran desperately through different situations where it would not be my fault.  But there were so many that were my fault.  It was my history that was dangerous.  It had to my fault.  Why?  Why did his saving my useless life have to ruining his?

  
“No.” I breathed.

 

I wanted to deny it.  I wanted to know that people who were chasing after me were hurting anyone I was connected to, even if only slightly.

 

“He was mugged.”  Petra wasn’t making eye contact with me.  “By two men, whose names you mentioned two years ago.  They’ve been taken in by the police.”

 

“He’s alive, right?”

 

I wanted to reassure myself.  I didn’t care that it was out of character to care what happened to anyone but myself.  I just wanted to know.   _Please tell me he’s alive._  My eyes met Petra’s.  She opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

 

“Yes, he’s alive, but his condition is very bad.  The two men were armed, and as you know, they’re fairly skilled.”

 

 _Fairly skilled?_  They were the two demons of the underground world.  And they’d been after me for years.  Hardly anyone stood a chance against them, especially unarmed and unprepared as I’m sure Jaeger had been.

 

“How did he get here?”  I asked.

 

I wanted to keep the conversation going to find out more of what happened.

 

“His sister was on her way back home and luckily happened to pass by that street.  Apparently she called the police and surprised the two attackers.  There were police cars extremely close by, so they didn’t take long to arrive.  By the time the two attackers realized what was going on, they had them surrounded.”

  
I nodded.  If they were involved in a fight, they didn’t like being stopped.  It made sense.  A heavy weight settled in my chest.  Why did the person who rescued me have to suffer so much because of me?  It wasn’t fair.  I didn’t even want to be rescued in the first place.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading my work :) I hope you like it...


	4. Chapter 4

_Sun filtered through tall trees.  The day seemed to be bright, and the air was cool and crisp.  The leaves of the trees were turning orange and red.  It was fall.  October to be exact.  October 12, 850 to be really exact._

 

_I was riding behind someone.  There were four other squad members, and our corporal.  I watched the wings on the crest on his back flutter as he rode forward.  I always watched his back when we were embarking on missions like this; it gave me hope.  The wings of freedom were our symbol, and we were carrying the mission of freeing humanity out.  We could end it.  We would end it.  And we would be free._

 

_The woods of this forest were basically empty of titans now.  In general, they stayed far away from our walls, and made strategic attacks on weak points every so often.  It was obvious that someone, or something, smart was controlling them.  We knew now that it was a large monkey-like titan that was at least five times taller than the rest._

 

_Of the few reports that came back from soldiers who had witnessed the “titan king” as we called him, most reported that he spoke and that he had a high-level of intelligence.  The rest of the reports that came back were unintelligible.  And we were after him now.  It was a large risk, no doubt about it, but there was no other chance at victory._

 

_I was no longer the solo titan-shifter in the regiment that was on our side.  We had managed to get Bertholdt and Reiner and Annie back with us.  A few months ago, Christa had died.  Ymir had predictably gone on a rampage and now refused to fight, which ended in her being sent back within the walls._

 

_We rode on for hours.  We were out of the forest before we even saw a single titan.  They really had retreated quite far.  And then we saw him, the titan king.  Hundreds of titans were swarming us, or maybe it was thousands.  The howls of titans mixed with screams of dying men and women.  So much blood in only a few minutes, but squad Levi had one destination, one goal.  It didn’t matter if everyone else died, if we managed to kill the king titan._

 

_I looked to my right.  Armin was riding with his brow furrowed, and I knew he was working out a plan to get us through.  On my left and a little behind, Mikasa was staring determinately forwards, ever-focused on our one objective.  Jean looked cross.  He was glancing around jerkily, still flinching visibly as the soldiers around him died.  A drop of blood hit his face.  He made a gruesome face as he wiped the red out of his eyes._

 

And as I turned forward, the sounds and the feelings of the world grew duller.  I just had time to stare at the pair of wings in front of me before everything went dark.  The screams of people dying took longer to fade.  The yells of anguish and fear receded into calmer whispers which were so quiet the words were indistinguishable.   _Where am I?_  I wondered.  

 

There was murmuring around me.  Bright lights filtered through my eyelids in an unpleasant manner,  and room smelled like a hospital.  I opened my eyes.  It was a hospital.  Nurses with concerned faces were bending over me and scribbling things on clipboards.  I blinked a few times.  What had happened?  Titans?  No, I was back in reality, though the dream had certainly felt real.  Then I remembered the two men.  Did the police catch them?  And then I remembered Levi (my corporal).  He was still okay, right?  I started to panic.  He had to be okay.  There had been so much blood, so many screams.

 

Petra walked in the room.

 

“Hello, Mr. Jaeger.  I’m sorry to be seeing you in this condition.  How do you feel?”

 

“Honestly, I feel lousy.”  She smiled at me kindly.

 

“Well, that is to be expected.  Just so you know, the men who attacked you were caught and taken into custody by the police.  You should be safe now.”

 

I started to nod, but my whole body ached, so I stopped.  

 

“How’s Levi?”

 

“Hmm?  Oh, Levi’s doing wonderfully.  It’s been six days since he came here, and he’ll be ready to go to a clinic to help him with his drug withdrawal soon.”

 

 _Six days?_  I had been attacked after Levi had been in the hospital for about one day.

 

“I’ve been unconscious for five days?” I asked, shocked.

 

“Yes, you’re condition was really quite terrible when you came in here.  We weren’t sure how things would turn out for a while.  Oh, and your sister’s here.  She was waiting outside while we were checking on you.  She’ll be happy to know you’re awake.”

 

Petra walked to the door.

 

“He’s awake now.”

 

I saw Mikasa push past Petra in her haste to see me.  

 

“Eren Jaeger, tell me now.  What the hell happened?”  Her dark eyes flashed dangerously, and I automatically shifted a little away from her.

 

“I was attacked.”

 

“I know that, Eren.  But why?”

 

“I don’t know.  I was just mugged, I guess.”

 

She pursed her lips, not looking entirely satisfied with the answer, but she didn’t press the issue further.  We talked for awhile about her friends and my summer projects and all that kind of stuff.  She took her leave of me after about two hours, promising to return the next day.

 

Mikasa visited me every day.  Three days after I had awoken, I was sitting in bed with the leftovers of my lunch sitting on a tray on my lap.  Hospital food was really rather disgusting some of the time.  I was staring down at my plate, when I heard a commotion outside.

 

“You shithead, let me in and see him!  I don’t care if it’s not visiting hours or whatever the hell.  Just open the door, would you?”

 

I froze.  That was unmistakably Levi.  He was arguing with some nurse I didn’t know.  Then I heard Petra’s gentle voice enter the fray.

 

“I think you should let him in.”  Said Petra gently.

  
“He’ll traumatize Jaeger again!”

 

More swearing.  I tuned the conversation out.  It sounded like it would be a while.  My head jerked up when the door opened.  A very aggravated Levi walked in the room and slammed the door behind him.

 

“Hi.”  I said.

 

“If you’re wondering why I’m here, it’s just because I wanted to make sure you were alive.”  Levi said in a bored voice.

 

“You took quite some trouble to get in here though.”  

 

“Yeah, that’s because a lot of the nurses are assholes.”

 

He caught me smirking.

 

“What?” He snapped.

 

“Nothing,” I responded.  “Anyway, how do you know Petra?”

 

His expression became darker.

 

“I was put here once before and she was assigned to me.  That’s all.”

 

“So, when are you moving out?”

 

“Tch, don’t ask too many questions.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize.”

 

“Sorr-”

 

“Damn brat, just shut up would you?”

 

I quieted.  He was definitely tense, so I decided to stop talking even though I really wanted to find out more about him.  He sat down on the bed next to me.  I looked up at him quizzically.  He leaned closer.  I leaned away.  He leaned forward.  We were so close now that I could feel his breath on my face.  I thought about what usually happens when two people get that close.  I turned red.   _What am I thinking?_ I chided myself.  

 

He laughed at my blushing face.  And leapt off the bed.  What the hell was up with him?  I could feel that my face was still red.  Why did he have that effect on me?  He was still smirking when my eyes met his again.

 

“You’re cute, y’know.”  He leaned over and whispered in my ear, before striding out of my room.

 

I was left utterly confused by his little performance.  I was sitting there stunned when Petra rushed in.

  
“Sorry for his behavior.  We gave him a medication that messed with his emotions a bit.  He should be better soon.”

 

I nodded.  No wonder he was acting so strange.  His complement still rang in my ears.   _Did he really mean that?_  I mentally slapped myself.   _What am I?  A middle-school girl?  Honestly, just ‘because a guy tells you you’re cute doesn’t mean you have to get all fluttery._  I sighed.  W _ait, am I gay?_  I had never really considered dating much because I liked having a lot of friends around me, and I guess, I was never exactly interested in anything else.

 

But it surprised me to think about it.   _Am I gay?_  I thought about it.  During high school, I might have had a crush on one or two girls but that was it.  I hadn’t thought of anyone romantically for years, which Mikasa seemed perfectly happy about even though she went through five boyfriends a week.  Well, not literally, of course, but very quickly.  My mind looped back to Levi.

 

He had been drugged.  Had he really not meant any of that?  Or was it the emotions he usually kept closeted just coming through?   _Pull it together, Eren._  I commanded myself.  Like always, it didn’t work.  In just a few days, most of which I had been unconscious for, I had grown incredibly attached to one person.  And that person was Levi.  

 

I wondered how it happened.  I had hardly exchanged any words with him, and all of those had been in fairly unpleasant circumstances.  We were in a hospital for heaven’s sake.  This weird affection for Levi had to be some strange side effect of one of the many drugs I was on.  That had to be it.

 

And there was something else bothering me.  I had been dreaming while I was out, if you could call it dreaming.  I remember that it felt real and that I saw Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and Levi there, but couldn’t recall anything else except for vague feelings.  Among those feelings was terror, a panic akin to what I had felt when I saw Levi being attacked while already down.  Now I remembered blood.  Or was that the memory of my recent mugging?

 


	5. Chapter 5

I was lying in bed.   _Damn the nurses.  Damn the boy who rescued me.  Damn the world._  Then I remembered what I had done.  Why was I on these ridiculous medications anyway?  My life is terrible.  I hate it.  I didn’t want to see Jaeger again.  That was embarrassing, I had lost control again.  That has happened way too many times in the past few days. _Goddammit, why?_

 

My mind flashed back to how his face turned red.  No.  I’m not doing this.  He was cute, and I couldn’t deny that.  And there was something in his eyes that was just so beautiful, that I couldn’t quite place.  The tremors were shaking my body again, and my body felt colder than usual.  Withdrawal was uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable.  But my mind wouldn’t let that beautiful pair of green eyes out of my head.  

 

 _I don’t want to get him involved.  I can’t get him involved._ And then I realized, that I wanted to protect him.  He doesn’t deserve to be hurt by my past, and as it is my past, I should protect him  And the easiest way to ensure his safety is to cut myself off from him completely.  At the moment we were in the same hospital, but that wouldn’t last too much longer.  I would be in rehab for a few months, and then I could leave.

 

In the time left when we were both in the hospital, I swore that I wouldn’t visit him again.   _I can’t make my problems his problems.  I can’t put him in danger again.  I can’t let him die because of me._  And I felt like it happened before, but that couldn’t be true.  My dreams were just dreams as they always had been.  The memory thing was stupid.  

 

_More blood was raining down on us, but we were close to the center of the horde of titans.  By this point, it was impossible to get out, but that’s not what mattered.  Erwin had told us this would be a sacrifice, but it was a sacrifice of 500 lives for the rest of humanity.  My horse slipped beneath me.  There was too much blood on the ground._

 

_“Switch to 3D maneuver gear!”  I called._

 

_It was no longer safe to ride on horseback.  If one of our horses slipped and the rider fell off, they would be dead within seconds.  I heard the releases of four people soaring into the air behind me as I jumped off my horse.  There were so many titans we could use them to swing off of assuming that they didn’t eat us._

 

_I couldn’t look back now, although I really wanted to check, especially on Jaeger, especially on Eren Jaeger.  But Mikasa would protect him, and he would be fine.  He could also transform if things got bad enough.  With his years of training as a titan shifter, he was actually rather talented now._

 

_Purposefully, I slowed myself down.  I didn’t want to get too far ahead of my squad.  I would protect them, and I couldn’t be too far away if I wanted to do that.  The massive “titan king” was close now, but he seemed to have a guard of deviants surrounding him.  This was no easy task, and there were only five of us._

 

_Our strategy was simple, simple enough that even Eren could follow it.  It was: kill titans.  More specifically, kill titans until the king was no longer heavily guarded, then kill the king titan.  We couldn’t prepare anymore than that.  Even Armin hadn’t thought of a good way to lure the titan king out by himself._

 

_We swung forward using the 3D maneuvering gear.  Blood kept falling from the other soldiers around us.  The dead were horribly mutilated, and the alive didn’t look much better.  I hated war, the blood, the screams, and the general uncleanliness of it all.  The deviants were coming ever closer, some of them had four arms, some of them were tall, one of them even had a tail._

 

_The king titan turned his head towards us.  He opened his mouth and spoke in a booming voice that reverberated through our bones._

 

_“Hello, humans”  Both titans and human and soldiers froze._

_“Have you come to kill me?”_

 

_A terrible smile was playing around his lips._

 

_“Come then.”_

 

_He held his arms wide, as if welcoming death.  His face was still stretched into his horrible grimace, but he was frozen, and so were all the titans.  I glanced back at Armin, to see if he had any thoughts on strategy now, but his brow was furrowed in concentration, trying to figure out the situation.  He was perched on top of a deviant’s head and was staring at the king, but his eyes were unfocused._

 

_I decided to let him think.  I was standing on top of another deviant’s head, waiting for it to move, but it never did.  The king titan was staring at me.  He was waiting for me to try to cut him up, but wouldn’t it be playing into a trap to do so?  Then again, if we didn’t do anything, we wouldn’t accomplish anything.  I made I contact with Mikasa, trying to tell her to stay where she was and only jump in if necessary.  I felt more comfortable if she stayed with Eren._

 

_I dived forward moving as quickly as possible.  I hoped that the king titan had the same week spot as all the rest and that Eren would stay safe.  If I died, it would be a small price for the death of this titan.  With that thought running through my mind, I ran up the king titan’s left arm.  He didn’t move.  It seemed extremely suspicious that he didn’t move, but I knew I could dodge quickly enough if he tried to catch me._

 

_I shot a hook into the back of his neck.  Would this work?  I shot towards him, blades raised, praying that he wouldn’t be weirdly tough-skinned.  My blades made the cut.  I landed on his shoulder and saw the blood fly through the air.  His body wavered where he was standing, and I lept off onto a nearby deviant as the titan fell._

 

_They were planning something, I knew that much, but what?  I had no idea.  However, by the look on Armin’s face it couldn’t be good.  Armin was pale, and his eyes were opened wide.  His hands were shaking and his mouth was hanging open slightly.  Then I followed his gaze, and my blood froze._

 

I woke up panting.  The terror the last moments of my dream were still clinging to me, and I couldn’t shake the fear in my mind.  The details were fading quickly, but there was blood, so much blood.  I wanted to know what had happened next.  Humanity had to win, right?  We were still here after all.  But this whole thing was ridiculous.   _These are dreams._  I told myself. _Only dreams._

 

The door cracked open. _Who the fuck is it now?_ I wondered irritably.  If it was some stupid nurse who just wanted me to inject me with more crap, I was going to yell at them.  But it wasn’t.  My whole body seemed to freeze when I looked up and saw a pair of bright green eyes.  No, I can’t deal with him.  Not now.  My mind was pleading with no one in particular, as if in doing so, Eren’s mind would be changed.

 

“Corporal-” He started to say at the exact same time as I said “Eren”

 

We both stopped talking.  He called me _corporal_.  It suddenly clicked.  I was his corporal, and he was one of the men in my squad.   _This is ridiculous!_ The logical voice in my head shouted.   _Dreams are only dreams._  But I knew now it couldn’t be.  It was more important than ever that I get away from him.  We shouldn’t remember past lives.  We just shouldn’t.  And I had put him in danger before, and I couldn’t do that again.

 

“Go away, Jaeger.”  I said as coldly as I could, but it wasn’t easy.

 

A huge part of me wanted to talk to him, to find out what he remembered.  And an even larger part of me wanted to put my arms around him and keep him safe.  But I didn’t move, and I didn’t meet his eyes.  He must already know that I had remembered something, because I now knew his first name.  But I tried to ignore that fact.

 

“Corporal-”

 

He started again.

  
“That’s not my name.”  I said sharply, still keeping my eyes fixed on a point somewhere above Eren’s head.

 

“Right then.”  He said awkwardly.  “Um, Levi, I just wanted to talk to you.”

 

“Why?”  I knew why.  But I didn’t want to talk about it, and I hoped that if I was difficult enough, he would go away.  It wasn’t “didn’t want to” it was more like “can’t.”

 

“Well, um, Corpo-”  He blushed slightly.  “Sorry, I mean… Levi, have you, well, remembered anything?”

 

I looked to his face; I couldn’t keep my eyes away.  And the green of his eyes was so alluring.  What could I say to him?  I assumed, from my slip of using his first name that I shouldn’t know, that he would be aware I had recalled something.  But I could play that down, and merely pretend I remembered his name and everything else was vague.  That would keep our relationship distant.

 

“Only your name.”

 

I saw his face turn redder than it already was.   _Right, that singled him out._    _Why was I so stupid?_  I cringed inwardly.

  
“And everything else is very vague.  Sorry.”


	6. Chapter 6

I stared at Levi.  He wasn’t telling the truth.  His eyes were turned away from me, and his voice was too quiet.  It hurt me to know he didn’t want to tell me.   _Why not?_  I wanted to ask.   _We were in that together, and we’re in whatever’s happening this time together, too._

 

“Levi.  Please tell me the truth.”

 

I was the kind of person who wouldn’t shy away from saying things especially when it was important to me.  I realized I loved Levi then, and I loved him now, because we were the same people just in a different time.  I knew I hadn’t told him then, because he was my superior and because I was stupid.  It was one of the few things I had actually kept to myself.  But now, it was different.  We were just two people.

 

Levi stared at me.  He knew I saw right through him, but he didn’t want to talk. That much was clear.  His grey eyes were staring fixedly at a point above my head, and it was annoying that he wouldn’t look at me.  The seconds grew into minutes, and neither of us said or did anything.  I wanted to break the silence, but I didn’t want to annoy him.  I couldn’t stand it any more.

 

“Levi, look at me.”

 

His eyes met mine immediately and flicked away almost as quickly.

 

“That’s not what I meant.”  I said.  I couldn’t keep the annoyance out of my voice now, but I didn’t care.  He owed me this much.  

 

He looked up at me.  There was an intense storm behind those eyes, and I wish I knew why.  I doubted he would share that with me, though.  I glared back at him.  I dared him to tell me by looking at him.  I wonder if the message read.

 

But at that moment, the door opened.

 

“Mr. Jaeger, you’re supposed to be getting your rest now.”

 

I looked at the nurse.  It was Erwin.  He had a cool, calm manner about him, and it made me more comfortable.  However, I was annoyed with him at the moment.  The anger in my eyes was met with a collected calmness.

 

“Eren Jaeger, please come with me.  It’s important to your recovery.  When I said you could take a walk, I meant walk down the hallway and come back.”

 

He stared at me expectantly.  I knew I had to leave.  I glared at Levi, letting him know he had gotten off easy because I was being dragged away.  Levi didn’t look smug or relieved, he just looked sad.  It was the expression of extreme melancholy that made me pause at the doorway.  I turned away quickly, hoping he didn’t see my almost overwhelming concern for him.  He couldn’t know I loved him.  Not yet, anyway.

 

When I got back to my room, I almost turned away from the door and ran.  Mikasa and her stupid boyfriend were sitting there.  

 

“What are you doing here Kirschstein?” I asked, injecting the anger I already felt from Levi’s lack of responsiveness.  Mikasa glared at me.

 

“I’m sorry, I mean, it’s nice to see you Mikasa’s current boyfriend.”  I gave him the fakest smile I could.

 

Jean’s eyebrow twitched with annoyance, but he tried to keep his face smooth.

 

“I’m here because Mikasa was worried about you.”

 

“Yeah, I know that.  She’s been here everyday.”  At the moment, I just wanted to be alone, and I definitely wanted Jean gone.

 

“I mean, I was actually kind of worried about you too.  But that’s only because I care about Mikasa and Mikasa was-”

  
“Yeah, yeah.  I get it.” I cut him off.  “Well, I’m alive.  Happy?  Now, why don’t you leave me alone so I can sleep.”

 

“You’re an asshole, Eren.  Mikasa, I’ll be waiting outside.  Anymore time with this guy, and I think my head would explode.”  Jean said, turning his back on me.

 

“You’d look better without that stupid ugly face of yours.”

 

Jean turned back.

 

“Watch your mouth, Jaeger!”

 

This was the point where Jean would usually have punched me.  However, as we were in a hospital, and I was only a few days away from being in mortal peril, he restrained himself.  I could see it took a lot of effort though.  I sat down on my bed and waited for the door to click shut.

 

“Mikasa, what on earth do you see in that guy?”

“I think it’s only you who has a problem with him.  Even Armin says he’s fun to be around.”

 

 _Well, Armin has a crush on Jean, so of course he thinks that._  But that was something I had sworn to keep a secret, even from my sister and other best friend.  I just sighed and rolled my eyes.  And then I thought about the best way to bring up the dreams I was having.  They included her, and Jean, and Armin, and… well, and Levi.  Would she believe me?  I felt like I had to tell her at some point, and I wanted to talk to Armin as well.  

 

“Hey Mikasa, you know, I’ve been having interesting dreams recently.”

 

Mikasa was staring at me with an unreadable expression on her face.  I pressed ahead.

 

“I’ve been dreaming about, something, well, this is going to sound crazy, I know, but…”

 

I trailed off.  I knew I was being extremely incoherent.

 

“Do you believe in reincarnation?”

 

It was the easiest way to segway into my actual dreams.  The slightest shadow flitted across Mikasa’s face.  I waited for her to respond, and I didn’t have to wait for too long.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’ve been having dreams, and I think they’re of a past life, and you were there as well as Armin and Jean and even people like Annie and Connie…”

 

Annie was the head of the karate club, which Mikasa was a part of.  And Connie was a boy from my physics class.  But they had most definitely been among the soldiers I had seen fighting while we rode at the titans.  Mikasa stared at me with an expression that could only have been pity.

 

“How much?”  Her voice was constricted.  “How much have you remembered?”

 

I was taken aback by her forthrightness.  

 

“We were heading out on a mission, to kill the last one, the ‘king titan.’  I’ve gotten to the point where Levi killed him… and all I can see past that is red.  It’s really vague.”

 

Mikasa kept staring at me, and I tried to read her, but as usual, she was good at masking her emotions.

 

“What?”  I finally asked her after five minutes of silence.

 

“I think you need to remember for yourself.”

 

“Why?  Do you know?  Can’t you just tell me?”

 

Mikasa shook her head.  I frowned.  Was it really that bad?  

 

I drifted to sleep that night, hoping to dream of what had happened.  My wish was granted.

 

_Levi leapt smoothly off of the king titan’s falling body, and the sense of unease inside me was growing steadily.  What were they playing at?  Would Armin know?  I glanced to my right.  He was a few titans over, and he looked about ready to collapse.  His skin was pale, and that was saying something for Armin.  His eyes were wide and his whole frame was shaking._

 

_“Oh god.  Oh god.  Run.  Run!  Run!”  He shouted._

 

_His almost instantaneous change from frozen and shaking to panicking frightened me.  It wasn’t like I wasn’t used to seeing Armin scared, but this was different.  I could only read pure terror from his blue eyes.  When I followed his gaze, I understood why.  Titans.  There had to be thousands more of them coming.  Another “king titan” was heading our way, followed by a third and a fourth.  There were twelve of them in all._

 

_Levi collected himself from the shock first.  Instead of running away, he charged forward.  This was our last stand after all.  It was kill them now, or let humanity disappear.  Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner appeared from our left, and there was a fourth person with them.  It was Ymir I realized after a moment.  Annie turned to me and smiled shakily._

 

_“It’s our last chance.  Go get ‘em.”  I returned her smile with more confidence._

 

_All or nothing.  I lept forward one titan.  Levi glanced back, and something in his grey eyes made a shiver run down my spine.  His brows furrowed and he turned forwards.  He gave the signal “forward!”  We moved to meet the oncoming multitude of titans.  It didn’t matter if we hardly had a chance, we had to win because everyone, everything else was depending on our victory._

 

_Armin was last, but I glanced back to see his jaw was set, and though there was sweat running down his face, he was determined.  I saw a glint of silver as Annie slipped her ring on.  The female titan jumped into action, and then the armored titan, and the giant titan.  I raised my hand to my mouth.  I bit with all the force I could muster.  I tasted the blood for a second, before my titan erupted._

 

_Five titan-shifters ran into the oncoming horde.  The five of us raced ahead of Levi and the others, we would be the front lines, and they would support us.  We had absolute trust in each other now, we had to, or there would be no way to win.  The first lines of normal titans fell quickly.  More blood sprayed into the air.  What was left of the Scout Regiment was on our heels.  Erwin jumped into battle alongside us.  It made me realize just how much was at stake._

 

_My eyes focused forwards.  I was approaching the first king-type titan.  The other four shifters were running to four other king-types.  I was much shorter than him, but I ran at him anyway.  Levi flew around my left ear and behind the titan’s back.  I did my best to distract thing king titan, but he was smart._

 

_The time passed quickly in a rush of blood and screams of pain.  The ground was wet with titan blood mixed with the blood of fallen friends.  Levi was standing on my shoulder.  He was changing taking gas leftover from a soldier who wouldn’t need his 3D maneuvering gear anymore.  We were a little ways out of the main fight.  There were a few lower class deviants left, and there were still hundreds of normal titans coming towards us._

 

_My breathing was getting heavy, but I couldn’t give up.  Levi was wounded, and my heart was aching with concern.  I knew he would prefer dying in battle to any other way, but I couldn’t help wanting to stay by his side.  He didn’t seem to mind.  We worked well as a team, anyway.  Seven of the king-types were down.  Was it possible to win?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you like this so far :) I know, it's a bit confusing I guess... sorry. I'll try to make everything make sense by the end. Anyway, any comments/criticism are welcome thank you!!


	7. Chapter 7

_Eren was staying by my side.  I would never tell him, but that’s where I wanted him to be.  I tried to fight like my wounded shoulder didn’t mean anything, but I couldn’t keep it up.  I only had a few blades left, and there were still so many titans.  I chanced a quick glance at Eren.  He was slower than before, but he was definitely alive and well.  I hoped that he wouldn’t exhaust himself to the point where he would lose control._

 

_I could feel my own muscles screaming every time I jumped now, but I had to keep going.  Eight of the king-type titans were down now.  Mikasa was fighting with the same determined look on her face.  I had seen her replacing the gas for her 3D maneuvering gear only a short while ago, and she was strong.  I was sure Mikasa would pull through.  The other titan-shifters were also looking worse for the wear.  Bertholdt and Reiner were back to back, and Annie was not too far away from them._

 

_Every so often, I caught a glimpse of Ymir weaving between the taller titan’s legs and taking them down.  Everyone was nearing their limits.  We had to finish this soon.  Hanji had as much energy as ever, or so it seemed, but even she couldn’t last forever.  Erwin was slowing down, too.  Nine king-type titans killed.  And then there were only two left._

 

_Erwin was lunging at one of them.  A nearby deviant titan who was still standing made a grab for him.  In dodging the deviant, Erwin was caught by the king-type titan.  No.  It couldn’t be.  I could try to make it, but I wouldn’t be there in time.  I watched in horror as I saw Commander Erwin’s body split in half, his face contorted with unfathomable pain.  It couldn’t be._

_I was frozen.  Usually, a soldier's death was a soldier's death.  But this was the death of our commander that had lead us so far.  He had guided us strongly, and had been there with us even during the toughest of times._

 

I was still screaming “No!” when I was shaken awake.

 

“Levi?  Levi?”  It was nurse Erwin.  

 

I flinched away when I saw his face.  I was expecting blood and gore, but he was fine.  

 

“Erwin?”  I asked.  I was still trying to make sense of everything: the dream, the world, the memories.

 

“I’m here, Levi.  It’s alright.”

 

His voice was soothing, and I settled down again.   _Everything’s alright_.  I echoed to myself.   _Everyone’s going to be okay_.  Even as I closed my eyes, I had an intense longing to run through the hospital and find Eren to make sure he was okay.  But I remembered that I had sworn to myself to distance myself from him.   _He’s fine.  He has Mikasa_.  I reminded myself.  But, hadn’t I thought that before?  Before?  But when?

 

Erwin left me after a couple minutes.  He told me to call him if I needed anything.  But I just ignored him and pretended to be going back to sleep as he shut the door.  But I couldn’t sleep.  Not just yet, anyhow.  Memories of Erwin’s bloody end were fresh in my mind, and I had a huge sense of foreboding for what would happen next in my dreams.  I couldn’t place it, though, and it was annoying the shit out of me.

 

_I was frozen still when I heard the titan’s howl behind me.  I turned just in time to jump out of the way.  Eren was fighting hand-to-hand with a deviant-type titan.  This deviant had six arms, and Eren didn’t really stand a chance, not when the titan was refreshed and Eren was worn out from endless hours of battle.  I jumped forward.  I had just seen the commander die.  I wouldn’t watch Eren die as well, not if I could help it._

 

_The deviant nearly grabbed me with one of his four free arms, but I was too quick.  A sharp spike of pain shot through my shoulder, it didn’t bode well for me.  I leapt forward anyway.  If I were to die now, at least I would go down fighting.  I chanced a brief glance back at the green-eyed titan.  I would go down with Eren near me.  With a small smile on my face, I hurtled towards the deviant titan’s neck.  The blood splattered everywhere._

 

_I fell off of the titan’s neck.  I was falling too fast to reattach with my 3D maneuvering gear.  It didn’t work to desperately grasp at the titan as I fell.  Air rushed in my ears.  So this is how I’m going to die.  I thought.  And then I felt a hand close around me.  It was a titan.  Surely, I couldn’t survive now.  I closed my eyes as if to welcome death._

 

_“Good bye, Eren.” I murmured._

 

_But the hand around me didn’t squeeze.  I was carried for a while.  I didn’t know how long, but I could feel the heavy footsteps of the titan carrying me.  After a bit, I was set down.  I was near enough to the main fight to see what was going on, but there were no alive titans anywhere close to me.  I looked up to see my savior.  It was Eren, who was now walking heavily back towards the mess._

 

_I tried to get up to walk after him, but my shoulder complained strongly.  I fell to my knees.  When had I grown so weak?  The one thing I wanted to protect was walking away from me right into danger’s outstretched arms.  I tried to shout after him._

  
_“Eren!  Eren!”_

 

_But he didn’t turn back.  He was determined, after all.  He would be okay.  He had to be okay.  I lifted myself slowly to my feet.  I wanted to get closer.  I had to watch over him, and I was too far away.  My progress was painfully slow and I stumbled often.  I saw a small shape soar over to him to land on his shoulder.  It was Mikasa.  I breathed the smallest sigh of relief.  He would be okay._

 

_But he wasn’t.  The fatigue was evident even from the distance I was away.  His movements were sluggish.  Even Mikasa was looking beaten down.  Her usually perfectly graceful movements were more halting and inaccurate.  I still believed in them.  There was only one king-type titan left.  I turned my head to the left slightly.  Reiner had lost Bertholdt to the second to last king-type titan, and I couldn’t see Annie anywhere either._

 

_I tried to quicken my pace.  I wanted to be by Eren.  I could at least provide some distraction to a titan if Eren was being targeted.  I looked up again.  The last king-type titan was swaying, a small shape I knew to be Mikasa was soaring around him.  And it happened too fast for me to see.  But there was a fountain of blood that reddened the air, and the king-type fell.  And Mikasa landed somewhere off to the side, but it didn’t matter._

 

_No.  It couldn’t be.  No.  Not after all this.  No.  No.  No!  My mind was screaming.  I rushed forward.  The pain in my shoulder and everywhere else had disappeared because I had to run forward.  It took too long to get to his side.  No.  It wasn’t true.  No.  I stumbled forward.  No.  I was slipping in blood._

 

_“Eren!”  I called out._

 

_“Eren!”  And my voice was cracking._

 

_“Eren!”_

 

_And the nape of the neck was open.  Oh god.  It was ripped open.  Fuck.  Where was he?  Blood was everywhere.  Where was he?  The panic in my chest was hardly being contained.  Where could he have gone?  And then I saw him.  He was in the outstretched hand of the king-type titan.  And I understood what had happened.  At the last moment, the king-type titan had ripped Eren from his titan’s body and Mikasa had cut the king down._

 

_Eren was lying still, but he couldn’t be…  No.  He was alive.  He had to be alive.  But as I got closer, the whole in my chest seemed to be expanding.  No.  I found myself screaming his name.  He didn’t move.  Oh god.  He wasn’t moving.  But his eyes flickered open, the most beautiful eyes on the planet.  He stared at me._

 

_“Levi.”  He said my name.  He said it so quietly that I almost couldn’t hear him, but I did._

 

_“Eren.” I responded as I rushed over to his side._

 

_The titan’s fingers were gripped around his waist and his legs.  And then I saw the blood oozing out from between the gaps in the titan’s fingers.  And I saw the pain in Eren’s face.  And I saw, oh god, that it was hopeless.  Even he couldn’t regenerate that fast._

 

_“Eren.”  I knelt down and put my good hand to his face._

 

_His pained face relaxed the slightest bit into a smile.  He moved his own hand to cover mine._

 

_“Stay with me.”  His voice was low and rough, and I could tell it was hard for him to talk.  “Stay with me until I die.”_

 

_He implored me with his eyes.  I couldn’t have turned him down even if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to._

 

_“You can’t die.”  I said it, though I knew I couldn’t stop it from happening.  But he couldn’t die.  He just couldn’t, because that would mean the world would end, wouldn’t it?  And I was scared to hear how fractured my own voice sounded._

 

_And the physical pain from my own injuries was coming back to me now.  How had I even made it all this way over to his side?  But it didn’t matter, because he was here._

 

_“You can’t die.” I repeated.  My voice was weaker._

 

_“I’m sorry, Levi.”  He breathed.  The sound was dangerously quiet, but his face looked relaxed._

 

_His smile had the emotion of sadness so beautifully worked in.  And my heart was breaking.  Because this couldn’t happen._

  
_And I could hear myself screaming, but it didn’t matter.  Because nothing mattered anymore.  Because Eren was gone._


	8. Chapter 8

I woke with a start.  It took me a few minutes to remember that I wasn’t dead, that I wasn’t being attacked, that I was in a hospital.  I reached down to feel my legs.  They were still there.  They were solid and whole.  I sighed in relief, even though the feeling of pain hadn’t fully receded.  So I had died in that fight.  I had died with Levi by my side.  How much did he care about me then?  How much did he care about me now?

 

He was being so goddamn cold to me, though, and I hated it.  Didn’t he know what we had been through together?  I wanted to talk to him about it.  Because if he remembered, then he would surely notice that a lot of people around us knew what had happened, too.  Mikasa certainly did, and I suspected Armin probably did, too.  

 

I loved Levi then.  I knew I had, and I still had no idea how he felt about me.  I had a feeling, though, by the way he was acting as I died that he had cared.  But was it only as a superior or a friend who I had been through so much with?   _I love you, dammit, and I want you to care!_  I wanted to shout at him.  But he didn’t seem to care.  He didn’t even want to talk to me.

 

I decided I would talk to him again.  I would try to go at it with a cooler head, and hope we could have an  actual conversation about our past.  But it wouldn’t be easy.  I had a terrible temper, and Levi didn’t want to talk.  It seemed like he was running away from me, and I wanted to know why.

 

My door creaked open.  I looked up hopefully, but it was only Erwin.  I wonder if he remembered what had happened, too.  It couldn’t hurt to ask, could it?  Or would he just try to send me to the psych ward? I wondered.  But nurse Erwin didn’t seem like the type to do something like that.  

 

“Hey, Erwin.”

 

He looked up from where he was washing his hands by the door.

 

“Sometimes I have these dreams,” I continued. “and there’s this world, with you, and Levi, and my sister and a bunch of other people… So I feel like I’ve met all of you before.”

 

Erwin dried his hands and looked pensive for a while.

 

“Yes, sometimes I have dreams like that, too.  But I don’t think they’re just dreams, it was a different life we were all involved in.  I believe we all died on that last day.”

 

“But, how are we all here now?”

 

“Who knows,” said Erwin. “Maybe humanity won, after all.  Or maybe, this is some strange version of hell where we all have to meet again.”

 

He smiled slightly.  I had to process.  What if this was hell?  Or heaven?  Or whatever?  Could we… already be dead?  But that was even stupider than past lives.

 

“I was just kidding.  I think humanity won, and we’re just getting a second chance.  That’s all.”  Erwin reassured me.

 

Something about him gave me confidence in what he said.  He continued with his routine checks on my vital signs.

 

“You’re looking good.”  He commented.

 

“Yeah, I’m glad I’m in one piece, and I feel a lot better.”

 

We continued to talk about the ‘titan-verse’ as we now called it after he was done checking on me.  He asked me what had happened after he died, but I couldn’t give him that much information.  I wonder what happened after that.  Maybe Levi knew, but he wouldn’t tell me.  Maybe Mikasa knew.  She would probably tell me if I told her I remembered.  I made a mental note to ask her the next time she visited.

 

I drifted off to sleep again a short time after that.  But no dreams of the past came to me.  Instead, I slept without dreaming, and spent a few hours in a blissful unawareness of the world around me.  I was awakened by the presence of a visitor.  It was Mikasa, and her stupid boyfriend again.

 

“Hey.”  She said, when she noticed that I was awake.

  
“Hey Mikasa.”  I replied.  I wanted to ask her now that I knew what had happened.

 

“So, I remembered.”

 

And at those words, her eyes fixed me with a strong stare.  Her expression was unfathomable.

 

“And?”  Her voice was quiet.

 

“What happened after I died?”

 

Jean looked over at me, then glanced at Mikasa.  

 

“We went back to the wall to report that humanity had won the war through the sacrifices of many brave men and women.”

 

“We, as in…?”  Who was still alive?  I didn’t want to be too specific, but I hoped that Levi had made it back.

 

“Myself, Jean, Armin, Reiner and Ymir.”

 

“That was it?”  I was shocked.  I knew our victory had been narrow.  But only five people had returned?  And what about Levi?  He was alive as I was dying.

 

Mikasa nodded.  She opened her mouth to say something, but the door opened with a bang.  My eyes opened wide.   _Levi?_  It was Levi.  He looked a bit frantic.  He saw me, then glanced around to see MIkasa and Jean.  Erwin was hurrying down the hallway after Levi with a concerned look on his face.

 

Levi walked a little more slowly over to my side and collapsed on my bed.  I was completely speechless.  Levi wasn’t the type to lose control, ever.  The only time when he had been emotional was when I died.  But I was alive now.

 

“Damn brat.”  Levi muttered.  

 

He was perched on the side of my bed, staring at the wall opposite him.

 

“Levi-” I started to speak, but was cut off.

 

“You fucking died on me!”

 

He was still turned away from me, but I could tell that he had a lot taken out of him.  His shoulders were slumped, and his eyes were still fixed on the wall.  His cheeks were flushed slightly, and I noticed that his hands were balled into fists.  Erwin was standing in the doorway, watching the scene play out.  Mikasa and Jean were awkwardly looking away.

 

“I’m sorr-” I wanted to apologize for causing him pain.  Because the injury he had sustained was evident.  I wanted to apologize for leaving him, but I didn’t really know how.  And I didn’t really know why he cared so much.

 

“Shitty brat, I told you not to apologize so much.”

 

He was trying to keep his voice steady and casual, but I could hear the overwhelming emotions as he spoke.  I gingerly reached out a hand to place over his.  He flinched at the initial contact, but otherwise took no notice of what I did.  Gaining confidence from this, I intertwined our fingers loosening his hands from the tight fists they were formed into.  He glanced down at our hands for a second.  He turned back to the wall, dragging his eyes away from the sight of our intertwined fingers as if he thought they would disappear if he looked somewhere else.

 

His hands were colder than mine.  I felt a few callouses on his palms where I had none.  He must have had a hard life, and I wondered what his story in this time and place was.  I wondered why he had been attacked.  But I was happy to have him beside me when I wasn’t dying.  I was happy.

 

We sat there like that for a while.  Nobody spoke.  Erwin didn’t move from his spot by the doorway, and Mikasa and Jean stayed where they were.  Slowly, Levi moved closer to me.  The distance between us shrank, but he never once let go of my hand.  I scooted over to one side to make room for him as he leaned back.  

  
Erwin left the doorway.  I knew he wasn’t really supposed to let two patients get too close to each other, but he let it go.  Mikasa and Jean left a few moments later.  Levi was staring up at the ceiling.  His face was as expressionless as ever, but it meant so much that he hadn’t let the link between us break.  We didn’t say a word, but being together in silence was enough.


	9. Chapter 9

We were still lying next to each other when Erwin walked back in.  

 

“Levi, you have to go now.”

 

I got up slowly.  I didn’t want to leave Eren’s side, not when it was like this, not when we were so close, so happy.  I left our fingers linked as I stood.  I didn’t want to break the bond.  But I knew I had to if he were to be safe.  I had to walk away and never look back, because I had to protect Eren.  I had failed so much to do so in the past, but he had to survive this time even if I couldn’t be by his side.

 

I didn’t meet his eyes as our skin parted contact.  I pulled myself away to walk with Erwin.  But I couldn’t help taking one last glance at Eren before I walked out of the door and out of his life.  I was going to the rehab clinic today, and I wouldn’t come back.  His green eyes were as gorgeous as ever, even more so because I was happy.  And it was breaking my heart again to leave, but it was for his sake.

 

I had told Erwin and Petra not to inform Eren that I was going to leave the hospital.  I wanted to cut ties with him as completely as possible.  It was fucking difficult to walk away from him knowing I would never see those green eyes again.  Most of me wanted to turn back and at least tell him goodbye.  But I kept my feet moving forward and farther away from him.

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about Eren the whole way to the rehab clinic.  Every person with green eyes gave my heart a jolt.  It was like I was looking to see Eren around every corner.  I walked into my room.  I would be living here for a few months at least to deal with the drug abuse thing.  The first thing I noticed is that there were two beds.   _Dammit, I have a roommate._  Was my first reaction.   _Fucking hell, it has to be him._  Was my second reaction, because my roommate was Armin.  

 

I had planned on distracting myself with new people and new shit to do in this new place.  But having Armin as a roommate would make my life ridiculously difficult.  The chances that he would remember were high.  I guessed that everyone in the hospital I had just left knew, so why wouldn’t Eren’s best friend?

 

Armin was staring at me like he was seeing a ghost.  He was pale, and his eyes looked a bit bloodshot.  

 

“Corporal?”  His voice shook.

 

“It’s Levi.”  I reminded him.

 

We weren’t in the world where I was the corporal and he was a soldier.  We were two people in the world, and I had dangerous people after me.  I would have to ask to switch rooms.  I couldn’t live with Armin in the same room as me.

 

“Ah, sorry, L-levi.”  Armin stumbled over the name, it was foreign to him.

 

I didn’t reply.  I didn’t want to talk to him.  So I turned away and sat down on one of the beds.  Armin didn’t try to make conversation, but sat on the other bed and pulled out a book.   _Typical Armin_ , I thought.   _First thing he does is find a book_.  I sighed quietly.  It wouldn’t be so bad if Armin sat reading books and I could just think.  

 

Later that afternoon, we had to go meet the other people in the clinic.  Armin was here because of PTSD, he had apparently been fighting in the army.  He said he’d been having bad nightmares recently.  He mentioned his childhood friends: Mikasa and Eren.  My heart stopped beating for a moment when he said it.  I cursed myself for being stupid.

 

Hanji was the physician that sort of oversaw what we did.  Shitty glasses.  I wondered if she remembered.  I was pretty sure that she had died _that_ day, too.   _No, I’m not asking.  That life is the past, this life is the present.  Focus on the present._ I commanded myself.  I would forget, or pretend to forget, what had happened to us all.  What did it matter anyhow?

 

I looked around at the other people at the clinic.  Why did I know them all?  Marco was sitting in a wheelchair with bandages covering most of his body.  Annie was standing in the corner with her arms crossed looking extremely sulky.  Ymir was sitting in another corner looking extremely sulky.  And Sasha was eating some chips that she got from god knows where.   _Fuck.  I’ll never get through three months here._

 

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.  I sat at the dinner table by myself.  I was purposefully closing myself off.  It would be better if none of them could call me friend.  I wasn’t particularly looking forward to being able to be attacked again, but I wanted to be alone.  I hated the claustrophobia of being caged with all these people from the past.  

 

As the weeks moved forward, other people got visitors, but not me.  Everyone else seemed to be moving forwards, but not me.  True, I didn’t do drugs anymore, but I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The tremors were worse than ever at nights with nothing to distract me, but it didn’t matter.  Armin tried to talk to me once, on the first night, but quickly gave up.  Apparently I still scared him enough that he didn’t want to pry.

 

I slept with my face to the wall at night and ate meals alone.  I watched as the other people slowly warmed up to each other, even Ymir and Annie were laughing with the others.  Hanji tried to talk to me after two weeks of my antisocial behavior.  She left me alone after that, though.

 

The first interesting thing happened after a month.  Jean had apparently somehow found out that Marco was here and had come charging in during lunch.  It wasn’t visitor hours, strictly speaking, but he came in with Hanji, so he seemed to have a shortcut.  

 

“Marco!”  He shouted as he came over the threshold.

 

Marco, who was still bandaged heavily, looked over with his good eye.  He dropped the food he was trying to eat, and started wheeling over.  Everyone else stared.  

 

“I thought you were dead!”  Shouted Jean.

 

“No, stupid, I’m still alive. Well, half-alive really.”  He gestured to the bandages.  “Hey, how’d you find me here?”

 

“Erwin told me.  We were back at the hospital for one of Eren’s check-ups, and Erwin said he had something interesting to tell me.”

 

I realized my fork had stopped halfway to my mouth.  He had said _Eren_.  I tried to clear my mind.  It was no use to think of Eren.

 

“Glad you found me, Jean.  I was getting a bit bored.”  

 

Jean sat down with Marco and the other people.  He looked unphased by the appearance of everyone from a past life.  He knew their names, but didn’t seem to know their stories from this time around.  Why was everyone else so used to running into each other?  It seemed unnatural.  I shifted a little in my seat so I wouldn’t have to look at them.  It wasn’t easy to isolate myself.

 

“...I’ll have to bring Mikasa and Eren in some time, well maybe not Eren, but Mikasa would definitely like to see you guys.”

  
My ears had perked up. _Why can’t I fucking block his name out?_  I didn’t like the way Jean’s voice had gotten darker when he said “well maybe not Eren,” but it was probably just because they never got along.  That’s what it had to be.  I wouldn’t ask Jean how Eren was, that was just stupid.  I dumped the rest of my food into the trash and walked to my room.  I wanted space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm sorry... this is getting depressing now. Also, warning(!) - tragedy ahead. Just thought I would let you know.


	10. Chapter 10

 

It took me a few days to realize that Levi was gone from the hospital.  When I did, I yelled at Erwin and Petra for not telling me.  I cursed Levi inwardly for just walking out.  I sulked and lashed out at people who tried to talk to me about Levi or titans or anything else like that.  However much I tried to forget about him, it didn’t work.  I left the hospital a few days after Levi did.  Mikasa was back at the house for the short time before school resumed.  

 

About a month later, Jean came in.  He had just been to the clinic to visit everyone, but especially Marco.  Mikasa and Jean had broken up, but it wasn’t unfriendly.  They had both simply moved on, and Jean had remembered how much he had loved a certain freckled boy.  Mikasa teased him about it a lot.  When Jean had brought up visiting the clinic, after Erwin had mentioned Marco, I had adamantly refused to go.

 

I didn’t want to subject myself to seeing Levi again and getting my hopes crushed.  I was a college student after all.  I tried to busy myself with extracurriculars as much as possible.  It annoyed me that Jean was so happy every time he came to check in with Mikasa after a visit to the clinic.  He seemed like less of an asshole, too, which contradictorily enough made me hate him more.  Why did Jean get to be happy?

 

It was about six weeks after Levi had so coldly walked out of my life that I started going numb.  My grades, which weren’t great to start with, got worse.  Mikasa was so busy with her social life and whatever else, that she decided to move into an apartment with friends.  She asked me about fifty times a day if I was fine without her.  I assured her that I was okay every single time, but it was a bit annoying.

 

The truth is that I wasn’t okay, and I was getting worse.  Mikasa grew more distant, and I was thankful that she had given up some of her ridiculously over-protective tendencies.  I still went to class, but I hardly took notes anymore.  My professors all had me marked on the “no-good” list, whereas I had previously been marked on the “failing but trying” list.  Or, that’s what I thought.  With classes of at least fifty students, none of my professors cared enough to ask me about why my grades were below my usual standard.

 

After two and half months had past, I started going to parties and drinking.  It helped me forget the emotional pain I was in from being so coldly pushed aside.  Levi was a cold person.  Hadn’t I already known that?  But did it matter?  I liked not caring about anything, and that in itself was addictive.  My obsessive going to parties was more focused on forgetting the ‘real’ world than anything else.

 

Three months passed by, and I wondered why the day felt different.  Then I realized it was because Levi would probably be out of the clinic by know.  I laughed at myself for even remembering as I downed another bottle.  I passed out shortly after that. My brain clouded, and nothing mattered.

 

I was awakened roughly.  I was being shaken.  My head hurt like hell, and I wondered what had happened.  Then I opened my eyes.  It was Mikasa who I hadn’t seen in ages.

 

“Eren Jaeger, what the fuck happened to you?”  She was livid.  
  
“Drinking.”  I spluttered stupidly.

 

“I thought you were mature enough to keep yourself in line.”  She hollered.

 

I didn’t ask how she had found me, or how she had gotten into this person’s apartment.  I followed her out the door and back to my own place.  

 

“Lookit.  Marco and Armin both just got out of the clinic, so Jean’s bringing them over.  Armin really wants to see you.”

 

I scowled.  I didn’t want to see Armin.  I knew he had been my best friend, but not in this life.  Mikasa left the room.  A few minutes later she returned with a change of clothes.

 

“Get dressed now.”  She commanded me.

 

Having no choice, I headed to my room to change.  I brushed my teeth and tried to comb back my messy hair.  Staring at myself in the mirror, I realized I looked terrible.  I didn’t care how I looked though, it didn’t matter.  The shirt Mikasa had gotten hang loosely off of my shoulders and I had to find a belt to keep my jeans up properly.  I hadn’t noticed how thin I had gotten.  My usual outfit was sweatpants and a T-shirt.

 

I was sitting in the living room with a raging headache when the front door banged open.  Jean came in the door pulling Marco in a wheelchair.  Armin walked over the threshold last.  He looked nervously around the room before fixing his eyes on me.  It was extremely awkward.  This was someone who I had known very well, but only in a different life.

 

“Hi Eren.” He muttered.

 

“Hi Armin.” I replied without much enthusiasm.

 

“Cheer up, Eren.  You look like you haven’t slept for years.”

 

I glowered at Jean.  He really was an asshole.

 

“Shut up, Kirschstein.” I told him.

 

He laughed it off, and told Marco he’d take him on a tour of our apartment.  Marco protested, but Jean took charge and they were off.

 

Mikasa said she had to go out to meet some friends, so Armin and I were left alone.  We sat in silence for a few minutes before Armin spoke.

 

“Hey Eren, have you ever been to the sea?”

 

I glanced up at him.   _The sea?_  I shook my head wondering why that in particular.

 

“Well, you used to really want to see it, so I was just wondering.”

 

Armin trailed off.  I knew by ‘used to’ he meant in my previous life.   _Had I?_  I didn’t remember that.

 

“Yeah, going to the sea would be nice.” I muttered.

 

The silence was getting awkward.  Part of me really wanted to ask how Levi was doing, but I knew it wouldn’t be smart to think about him that much.  But I was never too good at controlling myself.  

 

“How’s Levi?” I asked quietly like I didn’t really want the question answered.

 

Armin looked uncomfortable for a while before answering.

 

“He was pretty anti social.  He seemed alright though.  He left the clinic a few days before Marco and I did.  I don’t know what he’s up to now.”

 

I nodded quickly.  It hurt to think about Levi.  And I felt stupid for loving him especially after only a few days.  But then I reminded myself, I actually loved him for years.  I just remembered it a few months ago.  And that didn’t help.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Armin said.  

 

We moved on to happier topics quickly.  Armin was apparently going back to live with his family a few hours away.  He had already finished college, and would be finding a job in that city.  I was happy that he had a good life ahead of him, and I told him so.  He gave me a sad smile and told me  there was hope for me, too.  But I laughed him off.  Armin was smart, and I was stupid.  I was headed nowhere.

 

Mikasa walked in later, after having lunch with friends.  She made me swear multiple times that I would never drink again before she left.  Marco was apparently going to live with Jean, which made Jean incredibly happy.  And which incidentally, made me incredibly jealous of Jean, though I would never admit it.  Marco was a year older than Jean, and was already in graduate school twenty minutes away.

 

Everyone else was headed somewhere, and I was stuck. _My life sucks_.  I thought to myself.  The door closed and it seemed like a bit of sanity left with them.  They all had somebody else to depend on, and who did I have?  No one.  That was the answer.  Plain and simple, I was alone.  Levi, the one person who I thought might stay by forever, had left me cold.  I needed his support; I really did.  

 

My brain went numb after that.  I hardly thought as I passed through the day.  Assignments were forgotten.  I hardly even went to parties to drink anymore.  I dreaded the holidays that were rapidly approaching. I didn’t want to spend time confined with Mikasa and other people who would probably come stay with us over the break.  They would all be Mikasa’s friends.

 

Levi was always in the back of my mind, too.  My dreams would be mostly empty except for moments from the past that I shared with him.  It was too hard to forget him, and too easy to remember him.  I still went to class, though I didn’t know why.  The professors didn’t really want me there, my classmates ignored me, and I didn’t learn anything from the lessons.


	11. Chapter 11

I was running from them again.  I didn’t know how they had escaped from the police and from jail, but they were after me and they were angry.  My skills had declined from so many months of being in a hospital, but I could still manage to evade them.  I wasn’t high this time.  It made my mind much clearer.  

 

The two men were close on my heels.  I dashed away at a still faster pace.  They didn’t have guns.  I slipped into an alley wa and behind a dumpster.  They ran past the end of the alley.  Really, how stupid were they?  When I was sure they were gone, I ran the opposite way.  I was in my apartment after a few minutes. I really needed to move out.  I didn’t want to leave the neighborhood though, because this is where Eren lived and where Eren found me.  It was stupid.  I had cut myself off from that brat a while ago, he should be fine.

 

I locked the door behind me and surveyed the room in front of me.  I had a two-room apartment.  It was small and shabby, but of course impeccably clean.  I kicked my shoes off and stood them up neatly by the doorway.  It wasn’t much, but it was home.  Dinner was instant food from the cabinet.  I didn’t prepare food that was anything more than microwaved.  I sat down at the table by the kitchen, and stared over at the other side.  For some reason, I always had a second chair there as if I was expecting someone to drop in, but no one did.

 

I left my partially eaten food in the sink.  I wasn’t hungry anymore, and would clean the mess up later.  I walked back to my bedroom and turned the TV on.  Nothing of interest came up.  My mind wandered too easily to a certain green-eyed boy, and it didn’t stop.  Finally, I threw the remote down after shutting off the TV.  I needed something more than stupid reality-TV shows to distract me from Eren.  My mind wandered to drugs.  It would be so easy to get back in.  The gang would let me back, I was still one of the best.  

 

 _No_. I told myself.   _No.  Absolutely not, there are reasons you got out of there._   But those reasons were irrelevant now.  I should have known it was stupid to run away from a gang like that.  They would hunt me down until I was dead. But maybe that would be better.  I wouldn’t have to deal with this life anymore if they put a bullet in my brain.

 

I absent-mindedly scratched my left forearm, the place where the scars from so many injections were still visible.  I stopped when I realized what I was doing.  The tremors hadn’t gone away, and the cravings were as strong as ever.  Why should I fight it?  And then I remembered the green eyes.  Eren believed in me.  But he was gone now.  He used to believe in me so much, which is what kept me strong through watching all my other comrades die.  

 

It may be stupid, but just knowing Eren was alive was enough for me.  And because he was alive, I couldn’t break the silent promises I had made him.  He was the reason that I had quit.  And he saved my goddamn useless life again.  I hated myself for getting emotionally involved with him.  He was free and could move on, but I was stuck mourning my love for him.

 

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid._   Love is stupid.  I sat cursing my love for Eren and the world in general but most of all myself.  I was so caught up in my own anguish, that I didn’t hear the door open.  But I did hear the footsteps in the hallway. Knowing that no one should be aware of where I lived, I rolled off my bed and picked up my gun off the bedside table.

 

The footsteps drew closer to my door.  I stood casually leaning up against the wall with my gun behind my back.  Whoever it was would pay for intruding.  I listened more carefully.  There was more than one set of footsteps; there were two.  It was  _them_.  I knew it was.  I thought they hadn’t known where I had lived, but I had been naive.

 

The door opened suddenly.  It was them.  Their two ugly faces leered at me, happy that they had finally cornered me.  I looked around the room for an escape.  My window was closed and locked, and there was only one exit other than that.  But it would be suicide to dive for the door that the two men had just come from.  I walked forward remembering that no one would care if I were shot here and now.  

 

I didn’t care if  I lived or died.  I was sure I didn’t want to go back to the gang.  But an escape from this reality would be heaven.  I took another step forward.  The men had guns this time and they were both aiming at me.  It wasn’t hard to tell they were aiming to kill.  Another step forward.  I was daring them to shoot.  Wouldn’t they get on with it already?  I closed my eyes waiting for the shot to come, but there was only silence.

 

And then there were more steps.   _Goddammit what now?_   It would have been so simple for them just to shoot me.  Why were they waiting?  And whose footsteps were those rushing down the hall?  It sounded like a number of people were coming in.  I hated having my apartment invaded like this.  My eyes opened.  The two men were looking distractedly at the door and their guns were lowered.

 

I stood still.  Policemen crashed through the door, and I flinched at the noise.  The two men attacking me were arrested as I watched.  They probably wouldn’t be allowed to escape again.  I had no other threat posed to me now.  I could stay here, in the town where Eren saved me.  “Where Eren…” why was I still so hung up on him?  He had saved my life.  But that wasn’t all.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t love him, or hadn’t loved him for years.  

 

Fucking brat.  He caught my heart when I had sworn to kill heartlessly for the sake of others.  He brought back my humanity when I had sworn to be a monster.  He had broken down all of my many walls, but he didn’t even know.  Eren wouldn’t have cared.  He was always surrounded by people who loved him and who cared for him.  Why would he ever turn to love his corporal?

 

I felt a large hand on my shoulder.  It was a policeman.  I flinched away.  He looked apologetic.  I guess he didn’t realize that he was talking to one of the most dangerous ex-criminals in the city.  He asked me to come with them to the station to answer a few questions, so I followed him.  I didn’t talk.  I didn’t want to talk.

 

I was so close to being out of this life.  It’s burdens, hassles, and pains would be gone.  I thought back to my own pistol thrown down unceremoniously onto my bed.  We drove by the university.  I wondered what time Eren’s classes started in the morning, as it was already 7:30 am.  He would be waking up now if he had morning courses.  I mentally punched myself.   _Why am I thinking about him?  Can’t he just get the fuck out of my head?_   I stared out the window, but there was no sign of Eren.  

 

A woman was walking her dog down the street, and a few cars were driving by in the opposite direction.  This part of town wasn’t busy yet.  A few minutes past the university, the hospital appeared.  I turned my gaze away from the building.  There were too many memories associated with the interior of its red brick walls.  The police station was only a few blocks farther.  

 

They questioned me about the two men who were chasing me.  I answered in short sentences, never giving away more than they asked for.  They never knew my old identity.  I just told them “Levi” as a name.  They didn’t ask too much, because they assumed I was traumatized by the experience.  Their assumption worked fine for me.

 

About an hour and forty-five minutes later, they let me out.  I made my way back towards my apartment.  It would be at least a forty-five minute walk.  I sighed.  I wished they had offered to drive me back, but I was also glad that they were letting me go so easily.  My mind kept going back to the small pistol lying on my bed.  I could finish the job the two men had neglected to do earlier.

 

I approached the hospital on the same side of the street.  The emergency room entrance was here.  There was an ambulance rushing down the street with the lights ablaze.  I stopped to let the ambulance through.  I watched as people in white jackets ran out of the hospital.  I turned away when I saw that one of them was Petra.  I didn’t want to be seen by anyone I knew.  I hurried down the street.  

 

“Levi!” I turned at the sound of my name; it was an automatic reaction.

 

It was Petra, her face flushed and out of breath.

 

“Please come with me.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

Morning always came too quickly.  My alarm clock had roused me from a particularly vibrant dream of Levi.  And for that, I was more annoyed than usual.  The clock read 8:45.  I had exactly fifteen minutes to get dressed and run to my 9:00 class.  I tried briefly to smooth down my hair, but it didn’t work.  I checked quickly to make sure I didn’t look like a homeless person.  I glared at my reflection.  

 

Grabbing my backpack, I started out the door.  It was a short sprint to the university.  I ran down the street hoping I didn’t look too suspicious to the average passersby.  I did this twice a week, so I was used to a fair number of stares.  Maybe I should set the alarm clock for five minutes earlier.  Unwanted thoughts of Levi started flooding my head again.   _Dammit, no._ I thought. _I promised Mikasa I’d try to move on._  But it was no use.

 

I reached the large street that divided the city from the campus.  The light was green and I started to sprint across.  I didn’t see the car running the red light.  I looked over as the I heard the brakes screech.  Pain shot through my torso as the car made contact.  The last thing I consciously registered was pain.

 

It was dark.  People were murmuring around me and I was lying down on something soft.  I couldn’t distinguish the words they were saying. _Where am I?_  I wondered unconcernedly.  It didn’t seem to matter.  I felt myself become conscious of the inordinate amount of pain in the lower half of my body and the back of my head and my right arm.  Make the pain stop.  I pleaded to empty space.  It hurts.

 

The pain seemed to pulse with my heartbeat.  Why did it hurt so much?  The screech of the car came back to me. _I was hit?_  But that didn’t make sense.  Not really anyway.   _Or did it?_  My brain was slow at processing thoughts at the moment and it was infuriating.  

 

I became aware that the talking had stopped.  Where had they gone?  I wanted to see them.  Could I open my eyes?  I should be able to, shouldn’t I?  After a few moments of contemplating whether or not it was in my power to open my eyes, my eyes opened.  Bright lights momentarily blinded me.  I closed my eyes again. _It’s too bright._  I thought. _But I want to see._  I argued with myself.

 

My eyes opened again.  This time I was a little more careful not to look directly into the brightness above me.  I glanced over to one side.  There were machines that were displaying different graphs.  I didn’t like graphs, so I looked away.  I looked to the other side.  There were fluids hanging from a metal bar.  I traced the tubes to my right arm.  I flinched at the sight of the needle.  Needles were painful, but there wasn’t any pain from that spot.  

 

The door opened and a nurse that looked familiar walked in.  She had a kind face, but she looked sad.  I coughed a little and could feel something sticking in my throat.  It hurts.  I thought again.

 

“Hello, Eren?”  She asked kindly.

 

I looked at her eyes.  I stared at her, trying to remember why she looked familiar.  Then I realized that I had been in the hospital before and she had been a nurse that attended to me.  Her name was Petra.

 

“Hi.” She repeated.  “I’m really sorry this happened to you.  And I have to tell you about your situation.  The driver was definitely at fault.  And um…”

 

She trailed off.  I wondered why she was so hesitant about talking to me.

 

“So, um, well, in the accident, you were hit straight-on.  We were all surprised you made it here alive, actually.”

 

She trailed off again, seeming embarrassed about what she had just said.  I didn’t understand why.  I wish she would just tell me what happened.

 

“You’re left lung collapsed and your skull fractured.  There’s major hemorrhaging in your torso and…”

 

I tuned her out at as the list went on.  I didn’t want to know what was wrong with me.  I just wanted the pain to stop.  

 

“...and it’s doubtful that you’ll survive without the surgery.  However, it’s extremely risky.”

 

I looked up at her again.   _Surgery_.  I didn’t want to get cut open.  My breathing was heavy even with the machines. _It wouldn’t help._ Piped up a voice in my head.  And it was right.  I coughed again and tasted blood in my mouth.  Pain shot through my torso as I coughed.  I tried to stop the movement.

 

Then I heard a commotion outside.

 

“Fucking bastard!  Move aside or I swear-”

 

“Please sir, he’s not supposed to have visit-”

 

“I don’t give a shit!  Let me in-”

 

And a calmer voice cut across them.

 

“Excuse me.  Come on.”

 

My heart was beating faster as the incessant beeping of one of the monitors told me.  That one voice was unmistakably Levi’s.  I felt a surge of hurt, anger, and hope.  He had left me cold, and yet I still loved him.  I was happy that I would be able to see his face again before I died as I knew I would shortly.  I coughed again.  I could feel blood soaking through the sheets over my stomach.

 

I clutched my hand to my abdomen in pain.  When I took my hand away, there were a few drops of blood on my palm.  The bandaging I felt constraining my movements wasn’t doing its job very well.  I wiped my hand on my already bloodied sheets.

 

The door opened.  I first saw the tall figure of nurse Erwin holding the door open.  Then I saw Levi.  It was really him.  He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was mussed in a very uncharacteristic way.  He didn’t seem to care as he rushed over to me.

 

“Eren.”  He said my name desperately.

 

And I smiled in spite of the pain that was almost unbearable.  

 

“Levi.”  I choked out, though it was hard to speak.  

 

“Eren.  Eren.  Eren.  I’m so sorry.  Can you forgive me?”

 

He weaved his fingers into mine and held fast.  Kneeling next to the bed, he laid his head to rest on my pillow and stared into my eyes.

 

“Of course I forgive you.”  I said.

 

I coughed after the effort of speaking.  He put a hand to my face and gently wiped the blood away from my mouth.  

 

“Don’t speak.”  He begged me.

 

My eyelids were growing heavy, and my body was longing for the chance to rest.  But I didn’t want to leave Levi.  He squeezed my hand tighter, as if it would hold me here with him.  He started repeating my name as my eyes closed.  He repeated my name as if it would bring me back.  His voice grew farther away as the darkness enclosed me.  

 

As if from a long distance away, I heard Levi whispering my name.  

 

“Eren.  Eren.  Eren.”

 

My hand relaxed in his.  I no longer had the strength to hold on.  Levi’s voice cracked and it was like the sound of my heart breaking.  I wanted to stay.  It didn’t matter if it hurt, because Levi was here.

 

_Eren.  Eren.  Eren.  I love you._

 

I felt the ghost of kiss pressed to my forehead.  

  
 _Goodnight, Eren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi... so all of you probably want to kill me now. I'm sorry. I'm a weird person who likes tragedy... 
> 
> But please, comment :) I'd love to hear what you think!!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my second SnK multi-chapter work... so I hope you like it :) As always, feedback is welcome. Thanks!


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